Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
