You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize