I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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