I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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