12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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