I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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