Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
