How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
