Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
