Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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