I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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