Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
