Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
