I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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