Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
