my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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