i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
