the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
