I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
