Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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