had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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