He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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