we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Barsexuality is the new black.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
