It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
