how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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