Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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