: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
