I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
