I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
