I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He felt like a one man threesome
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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