I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
