My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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