When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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