fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
