Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
