I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize