I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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