she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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