You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
