Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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