around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
