I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
