i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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