If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
