you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
