I met the friendliest cop last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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