Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I believe in your delicious
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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