i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
