just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
These tits shall not be calmed
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
