Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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