This dress was meant to end up on your floor
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
