apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize