so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
