Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
