I cockslap morals
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
