I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
