I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
