What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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