I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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