My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
