I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
sarcasm needs its own font
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
