Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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