Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
