I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
