Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize