Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
